The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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