Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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