I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
