you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
this is an emotional support booty call
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
