Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
