peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
