I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
