i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
