I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Randomize
