i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
