Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
