...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
