i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
