If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
