I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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