She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
