Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
