My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
