Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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