Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
