and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Randomize
