I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
