I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
