There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
