If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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