can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
40s are totally the cure
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
