quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Too much gin, very little bucket
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
