Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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