well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
