At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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