I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just gift wrapped bread.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize