i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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