Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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