two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She tied me up with her honor cords...
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
