Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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