just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
My ATM looks so different sober.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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