last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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