Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
As shirtless as possible
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I would fuck him just for his dog
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
