guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
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