I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
