Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
