my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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