I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
