OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
