Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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