i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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