So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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