we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize