I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
