I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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