theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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