It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
