life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
