saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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